Dating Tips

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following

   Circumstances:

   a. If a heroic dog dies to save its master.

   b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

   c. After wrecking your boss' car.

   d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

   e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally

Killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a Friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off

limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. It actually brings a tear to your eye when you see it happen to another dude, warranted or otherwise.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see

anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as

spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability

to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must

remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of

pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of

yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting

weights:

   a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

   b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

   c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal

Footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all

Other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the

Conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the

phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was?

Formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact

That you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to

nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake

it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable

for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime

green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for

Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a

Kleenex box. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics ever.

In closing, we've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed the definition of each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the

ass and having the balls to say, "You're next !"

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF DATING FOR MEN

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why you do it. Don't try to change that.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, you are never going to think of it that way.

5. Crying is blackmail, there are laws against that.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

                         Subtle hints do not work!

                           Strong hints do not work!

                            Obvious hints do not work!

JUST SAY IT!

If that is still a problem, leave a ‘Post-it’ on the TV remote control.

7. ’Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every

question. (really?)

8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..what?

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. (Especially when is watching ma soap)

15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

16. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like ‘Windows’ default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve or burgundy is.

17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Now, does that seem too complex?

20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really.

21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as: Sex, Sport, or Cars.

22. You have enough clothes.

23. You have too many shoes.

24. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Best regards,